I have reached a point of Self Apology
In this time 2024 the year of our Lord. “It goes so heavily with my disposition in this goodly framed year”….. Just joking no Shakespear, just an inkling of the rising socialism, fascism with a cherry on top of the pseudo religious tone that is not exaclty defined but seems like tridents and torches are involved.
Anyway… this is more of an apologetic letter to myself.
Through out life I have explored all religions, beliefs, ideologies, Theories even pushed the boundaries of concepts like
“What if life was better if I stood on one leg for an hour.”
Everything and all there is in life in the pursuit to what?
Well I thought I was finding authenticity.
Never did I really look after all the dust settles that the dust hits the light perfectly spaced and no matter how big the explosion the dust settles the same way. Landing exactly where it needs to be.
Accepting that no one is meant to change or that we can change anyone, or even ourselves seems kind of Nihilistic and hopeless.
Acceptance and self forgiveness is the archetype of the arc of light that is within us all. We get angry at others yet they are the reflected light be it dark or bright. They are us. Realising that being in life means that you are the average of all the people you interract, work, or love with. The average of the world is you and me and sometimes our pets.
Online or offline. We are looking for people to run parralelle with us in the human race. Yet we are always having a side chat with our selves unable to commit to the energy and just observe.
Observance.
One of the most powerful words and even more powerful actions. To observe oneself is to know the greatest power. To observe the world is to accept the world as it is. Not as we want it.
We are either called to struggle and fight and make freedom from it or to invent and create options outside of it that heal and remediate. Everything is always possible at all times in life.
A person once said to me
“Needs get met! Wants Don’t!" To which the person did the opposite of what he said. Proving we are always looking for an escape from our Authenticity. Me included.
No Blame!! No Judgement!!!
In some weird psuedo self flagellation (scourging, self-harm) or be it just living without self protection or boundaries it dawned on me that their is an easier way. Instead of attempting to be strong, or look a certain way, or maintain the addiction. It was just living with self observance that kept coming back through all the pain and suffering. Just that…. so yeh the pain in the leg the shoulder that always jams up. The sugar, sex, online streaming, dopamine thumb scroll hit mainlined in the eyeball visual cortex. All distractions from self observance. Even writing this is a form of escapism.
But I am aware and state it as mine.
This is the journey we all agreed to in a way that requires us to see all things feel as much as possible and experience the fullest gamut of colours, emotions and feelings the world has.
The beauty is that we can always forgive in the light we are born with. regardless of how much we shut our eyes the light doesn’t die. In sleep, on drugs, watching movies, working too much avoiding the issues, fight flight or frozen.
This is the time where cool heads prevail as the 2024 year of our lord spits out the crazy and unfair and strange all at once on every level. Both Conscious and subconscious. Physical and Metaphysical. It doesn’t matter. The Dust will remain perfectly spaced and fall at its specifically balnaced rate and land according to where it needs to be.
so in closing of this rant of letter to myself of forgivness and observance.
I had a saying I would use when invaded by the nasty thoughts that I say over and over until the thing in my mind is gone.
“I don’t will it so
I don’t want it so
I dont need it so.
But if it so !
Be it so!”
and to throw some pop guru self help line to tie it off
Truth has the word ‘U’ in it.
cheesy ending but I had to put in there couldn’t resist.
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